Caviar Dreams on an Easy Mac Budget

Tomorrow morning I head off to see my good ol' friends Andy and Erin Higy. I always love visiting these kids and always have a great time, but sometimes it seems that I live beyond my means when we set foot into the city. It's my own fault, I always say. If Chicago weren't so damn cool, I wouldn't feel so compelled to give it all of my money.

This is the first time in a long stretch of Chicago visits that I'm only responsible for paying for myself. Before, I had a +1 with some expensive taste. I'm confident that I'll be able to keep my money in my pocket and still have a fantastic time. We've not only made dinner plans at a really nice restaurant with a delicious menu, but we also made plans at the Chicago Improv Olympics.

I'm taking the cameras so expect pictures of Holiday Cheer like no other. Stay tuned.... I'll be back in a few days....

Never is the Only Forever

"Never is the only Forever. Never is effortless; You don't have to do something anymore and it becomes 'never.' Forever means you have to commit and grind it out no matter what. Never is easy- people love easy. Take Pop-Tarts and Ramen Noodles for example." ~My Novel

Last night I inspired myself to write which was a problem because all I could think about was sleeping. It was midnight-ish and I just didn't have it in me to really write something thought provoking- which is the point of this entry. Never is the only Forever. I've been saying that for years. I could probably put a date on it if you wanted me to. A time when I became this romantic love cynic and switched gears into making myself believe that the only love that is real is family and friends- "women are just 'dust in the wind.'" but as I started to make myself believe all of this, it ran itself deeper and deeper into my thought process- Not just relationships and love anymore.

I started to realize that it's in everything. Never is the easiest forever. "I will never eat tortilla chips again." How effortless would that be? Maybe not for the corn chip lovers out there; but, for the majority it's incredibly doable. Take diets for instance. A diet is a lifestyle change; people don't realize this. Diet's should be forever. How hard is it to go on a diet? How many people do you know have started a diet and committed to the lifestyle change? Forever. No one has succeeded; have they? "I will go on the diet-forever."


"I will never talk to you again." Now this is a doosy and I was thinking about it all day yesterday. How cowardice is that statement? The ease in never talking to someone again is beyond elementary. Sure, there is pain in detaching from someone you care about, but to me it's a fucking cop-out. My distaste for people who just shut off from another because they don't know how to handle what's going on cannot be described in typed word; you'd have to watch me punch a wall or choke out a puppy. I'm a firm believer in time; I'll take a minute, minute is such a relative term sometimes, and think about what I should do. This is because I know myself well enough to know that in an emotional moment I'll shoot off at the mouth and just make things worse. "I will never talk to you again." Fuck that. If you were going to quit, then why did you start to begin with?

Let's observe the flip-side. "I will always be there for you." How many times have you been told this goddamn lie? How many friends really aren't there for you? that's difficult and most people only use that kind of energy on family. Blood is thicker than water; so if you aren't related to someone who says that to you just assume that one day they won't be. People get bored and sick of constantly being there for other people. Most people who are actually there for everyone feel stepped on and taken advantage of; most of them are in some sort of therapy or take the happy pills. Regular people rationally see that their generosity is not reciprocated and get out of a bad situation. This is why I'd rather hold my liver and cry about my life in private then let people get sick of being my crutch. I know I'll someday need someone to feed me jello in hospice.

Don't think I'm up on my pedestal, as always, preaching to everyone that forever is bullshit because of weak people. I'm know I've let my fair share of people down. I'm also a selfish, know-it-all, egotistical cock. But, at least i know that about myself. Most people go through their lives not having a clue of who they are. I'm just trying to share why I think never is the real forever; and to not let this go on and on I'll just end it here. Since I've written myself as a re-occuring character in the novel, I go into greater detail trying to talk sense into my main character.

Look for it on Amazon in the Spring of Two Thousand- Never.

Send Her My Love....

she needed so much more than I could give...

Well hells bells, it's November 13th and I just remembered that I never renewed my stupid license plates for my stupid car. That means that today I get to go through the Hell that is the Driver's License Bureau. What's probably going to happen, is that I'm going to get there, wait in line for God knows how long, and finally hear my number called only to be told that I forgot something. It always works out that way. I think it makes them Happy to make others miserable.

My car hasn't moved in almost a week, not since my Birthday. Because of this, the Cav is covered in leaves and looks like a leaf pile in front of someone's house- ready to burn. I didn't drive it at all yesterday because I was trying to get out of my mind how nice the rental car was. I know as soon as I get back into my little clown car I'm going to hate it. I shouldn't be so mean to my car, it gets me around town and from state to state when I visit friends. But, driving a new rental is always a treat.

I watched Rain Man for the first time, all the way through, last night. I didn't know how funny that movie really was. I always caught bits and pieces on TV, so it was cut up and censored. I'll probably watch it again today sometime, there's nothing ever on TV, thank the lord for DVDs. Kmart sucks...

Happy Birthday.
Shut the Fuck up.

Up To Date

Great Grandma: ”You go make that baby’s bed.”
Mom: “Grandma, he’s twenty-six years old. He can make his own bed.”
Great Grandma: “But, He’s your baby.”
TJ: “YEAH!”

Someone mark another one down for Team TJ.

As you all didn’t know, I’ve spent the last few days in The Smokey Mountains visiting my Great Grandma with my Mother. Just like anyone visiting relatives, we all really just sat around staring at each other, not knowing what to say. My favorite part was when I got a kiss for setting up the new TV. I’m a genius.

I thought I was going to have a lot more boring time down here, but before I knew it we were on the road home. I was really looking forward to catching up on the novel and maybe reading a little. Unfortunately, with all of my visitors last week and this trip, I’ve hit a wall with the novel and only have about 7000 words total. Hopefully, this week will be better because I know once I go into the hospital next week for chemo I’m going to fall completely off of the wagon. When I’m not comfortable I can’t read or write.

I also thought I was going to take at least a thousand pictures, no joke, while I was in North Carolina, too. But, as it stands, you can only really take about 150 pictures of mountains and trees before it gets extremely old. Pictures should be up on Flickr soon if not already. I’m writing this blog down here in the Mountains on Word, to be transferred to Blogger later. I know they are all loaded into my Flickr! Uploader. I’m really happy with my new lenses and so thankful that I decided to get the 55-200mm telephoto. You may not be able to tell in the photos, but it was a life-saver when I’d have to stop along side of the road for shots.

I’m going to some Cleveland food Expo with my Sister and Jeff this weekend. I’m looking forward to that. When I told my Heather that I was going to the Harrah’s casino on the Cherokee Reservation while we were down here she flipped out and wanted to go to a Casino, too. Maybe we’ll have a two-day adventure this weekend: Cleveland AND Mountaineer. That’d be cool. Then, right back to Hell.

On the 17th I go back to Chemo and start my twenty-eight day cycle all over again, like a girl. Being a girl sucks…

Twenty-four Hours for TJ

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday TJ
Happy Birthday to me...

Twenty-six years old emotionally; ten years old mentally; and eighty years old physically.

How many birthdays have you had? How many stand out in your mind as the best? I bet it wasn't any year recently. I bet it was a birthday when you were younger. Why are we so fixed on Birthdays being better as children? When do birthdays stop revolving around gifts?

I absolutely hate buying presents. When asked "What did you get so-n-so for ))insert random holiday((?" my reply is usually "I gave them the gift of me." I'd rather take someone out, crack a few jokes, and give them a great time than give some random gift that will be forgotten as quickly as it was given. Is that arrogant? "I gave them the gift of TJ." Am I some sort of amazing person to be around? Why am I such a fucking pretentious prick sometimes? This is my train of thought when celebrating other's holidays because this is my favorite present to get....

Don't get me wrong..... toys are nice. My family scraped together a chunk of money so that I could have nice lenses for my new camera for which I'm incredibly thankful. Hopefully I'll be able to capture some nice memories over the holidays. But, for me, I really enjoy just getting together and having a great time....which is what I got this year....

This week was full of visits from friends. Jason came into town with his roommate Aaron, who turned out to be a really cool guy, and we had a great time this week. Andy and Erin had to come into town for family reasons, but it was really cool to spend the time I did with them. Cynthia basically spent the entire time with us which was also glorious because she's been sick for like a month.

Another Birthday; another day; another cake; another wish- Same wish as last year.....


.......to have another birthday.

Gimme a Break- Break me off a Piece....

"I close my eyes. Only for a moment- and the moment's gone."

I need a break from writing. This last chapter has taken quite a toll on me. After being asked by Cynthia if she was going to be written into the book, I decided that I could introduce myself, Jason, and her into the book-very quickly- as customers at the bar the main character works at. This was sort of a bad idea because, even though I changed our names, I wanted us to sound like we do in real life. This was quite taxing and I had to put thought into the dialog, which stammered my pace considerably and tired me out.

I also made the mistake of letter Cynthia read the first three chapters- which is bad. The first three chapters of anything is nothing. Out of context it probably seems like the biggest piece of shit, but it's going to come around, I promise. I'm not working with an outline, but I've got a great idea in my head that just needs to get out. And if anyone reads the finished product, I promise that you'll find the satire, sarcasm, and emotions as real as it gets. The first chapters just build the main character to the reader.

"So, what's it about?"

You've gotta be asking yourself. Basically, it's all of the messed up junk I've done in my life, wrapped around a love story that may or may not work out. The main character is every man, and the girlfriend is every girlfriend. If I finish this and you ever get a copy, you are going to read it and notice a part that sounds familiar, but exaggerated, to something we've done together. That's because it's the best way I can think of to shape my main character into a cynical, know-it-all asshole.

So stay tuned and be patient. God willing the first draft will be done in 27 days. By then I'll have vowed to never to this again and probably chop my fingers off to make sure of it.

"Don't hang on. Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and sky.
It slips away. And all your money won't another minute buy.
All we are is dust in the wind."

Another day, Another dollar...Another blog

"I hate wet."

I'm funny. If you've been keeping up with my Twitter updates, then you'd have read that I started my novel. I was inspired by my friends who had started today also, typing out 1700 and 1900 words for themselves. I, however, spit out 2022 words in two hours and fifteen minutes. Then I went on with 1648 more word because I knew I wasn't sleepy. That's 3670 words in one night. I'm like a superhero with a keyboard. I'm pretty proud of myself if you can't tell. Of course, I'm not surprised. I threw down 5000 words in one afternoon for the amusement park I worked at when I was writing training material.

With me, as you all know from reading my blogs, I can close my eyes and let me fingers go at ludicrous speed(That'd be a good stocking stuffer: Spaceballs) when it's all bullshit, which is what writing fiction is all about. I just imagine it, and it's as good as gold. Too bad my family will never read it, it's pretty fucked up. I read over what I typed and it's about 10x worse than anything you'll ever see on this site. But, it's funny. I can assure you of that.

Also, if you've been keeping up with my Twitts, you'll have noticed that I had quite the little fever- 103.2. I felt a little achy and tired, but wasn't like falling over passing out- like how we all associate high temperatures and symptoms. My mom finally made me take my temperature and that's what popped up last night.

She went into "mom mode," you know, when they start doing everything they can do to help you. Before I knew it I had a bottle of water and three fever reducers in front of me. "Take them!" It's not like I wasn't going to take the pills, she just got to the medicine cabinet before me. Anyway, the fever broke this morning and I soaked through my shirt and pants in sweat, I hate that. With the random meds I've been on throughout chemo, I've had my share of night sweats. I just hate it when it happens.



"Soaking wet?!"





A Tidbit:

“Are you even listening to me?” She yells.

“God damn. Yes. Candles: Scented or unscented. I like the idea of candles but sometimes too many scented gives me a headache. So, why not one scented candle and the rest unscented?” I’m washing and drying dishes- and on top of that being verbally abused. I’m like a single mother with an alcoholic boyfriend.

“You are always off in la la land when I try to talk to you about serious stuff. I feel like you are cheating on me with your imagination.”

Isn’t my girlfriend cute?