With the Lights out, It's less Dangerous...

New Text Message from....Chzech Re-Pub-lic...

...that poor girl

Let's try this Jangus Style...

My eyes open tightly because the light from the TV is too much for me to deal with right now. Another thing I can't deal with is the raging piss I have to take...they don't tell you about that in the beginning. I bring myself back to reality by focusing on the ceiling above my bed...yup...still twenty-four ceiling tiles... I wiggle around, not to much though..I don't want to piss the sheets...and my cell phone falls off my chest onto the pillow I have that cushions my right side. I think I keep it there because it perpetuates the lie I tell about my pain... theatrics are my game these days.. you have to make it look real..or people start to think you don't have cancer.

I pick up my phone to check late night texts or twitter updates... nothing new... it's 4am... who did I think was going to be up besides me in a hospital room. I get up gently, unplug my IV pump...wheel it into the bathroom and release a full bladder into the toilet. I've mastered pissing right-handed....I should enter a talent contest with this skill. Good news... it all made it into the toilet... I twirl myself out of my chemo tubing and notice an empty piss cup on the toilet paper dispenser. SHIT!

I forgot to piss i the cup. I think it's horseshit that they fucking make me do this at night..when these last two paragraphs illustrate how I wake up in the hospital. Why can't I give my sample in the afternoon? .....whatever.... I don't care....at that moment I wished I would have pissed all over the walls...and the floors...and the door handle... the sink... the shower.... walked out in the hall and pissed on the medical assistants that would have had to clean it up when I was done pissing on them..... I imagine myself walking down the hall just piss-pissing away ...on their little mobile computers... on the front desk...on the people sleeping in the family rooms....

I hit the "door open" button at the end of the hallway and just keep on going...running and pissing... on the Coke Machine that can't keep a damn soda cold to save it's stupid life... all over the Blue Elevators...the Brown Elevators....fuck 'em..all the elevators... I'll end my escapade in Interventional Radiology and piss right on the Flora Scope that they need to access this two-inch deep port every twenty-eight fucking days! Instead I stand there in my hospital bathroom- feeling like I let my nurse down....

I grab my IV Stand, which I call my girlfriend to the nurses, and perform my ritual of sorts after I go to the bathroom. I'll go out in the hall...smack a couple purell dispensers and stare at them for a little while. This happens any time I get out of bed really. "Hey Tom, How's it goin?" ....... only my friends call me TJ.......

How the Hell do you think it's going? Fuck you and your trying to make me feel better attitude. "Oh I'm fantastic!" That's my stock answer. Sound Familiar? After being out with the people for a minute..I close my door and rummage around my room for a bit. I go to the window sill where my family has stocked me with a nice array of munchies...thank you all. I eat the chips and cookies during times like these..at night... My room light is on which is weird because I don't remember hitting the button..but then again I don't remember much from chemo. Call it selective memory... call it abuse of perscription pain meds... I'm ready to go...one way or the other...

"I hate here." That's all I can think about. So I try to fill my head with hilarious scenarios that would play out fantastically on the big screen. But, I'm not that creative... so I imagine Jedi battle scenes in the hallways and ninjas creeping down out of the ceiling tiles. This is so much better on Morphine. Speaking of.... I look to the big-ass clock on my wall to see how long it's been since I've had my last shot. I pray it's been over 2 hours.

My last shot was at 1:15am. I know this because I make a mental note of it every time. It's extremely important to my survival in here. ..............doing the math................doing the math......God damn I'm dumb...I can't figure out two hours...............wait for it............wait for it........ it's been 3 hours!! it was now 4:15am!!!! I reach to my call button and tap furiously... like that button was my direct link to a cure.... The medical assistants know me enough to just come in...turn off my light...and say "ready for your pain meds?" ..................YES MOTHER FUCKER!!!! whooop whoopp... it's pass out time!!! nah na na naaaaa.... "Yeah could you check with Gia if it's time for my next pain shot?"

You can't be too excited. While I think everyone that works in the hospital got their degrees online, I still think that there's enough common sense between them to know when I just want to sleep. I shouldn't say that... there are some really nice people working there.... some.

After the Assistant leave my mind races with enthusiasm. Almost as much as when I wanted to piss on everything... I hop back into bed and ready myself for what's coming... Paradise through Chemistry.... I watch the same Sportscenter that's been on since 11pm. I act like I care. I grab my phone and check it compulsively ..as I always do... no texts...of course.......24 ceiling tiles.... pillow is wet from sweating during my last nap...I flip it... problem solved... My RN walks in...."I've got your meds Mister Mozik....".....only my friends call me TJ....

"oh..i was wondering if it was time. I forgot to pee in the cup. I'm sorry." I'm ready for the barrage of fists to my face...... like you see in the hidden videos on Real TV from disgruntled nursing home assistants...... "it's ok. We'll get it next time." well that was painless... she sets the needles on my chest and before I know it the chemical is in my line..... in my port.... in my neck.... in my arm..... in my body.... .in my mind.... i close my eyes..... life is better..... I wish it would last...... I ignore her talking to me....I fall asleep...... up is down.... another vivid dream..... maybe I'll live in this one...........

I open my eyes tightly.... the TV is too bright for me to deal with right now... I have to take a raging piss......


...no matter what was happening ...that would always make us laugh.... that poor girl....

Another Movie I want to see

This should be a good one!

Happy Birthday To You...

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, Dear Heather
Happy Birthday ...To...You....

What's funny is that I remember starting one of my independent blogs, via iWeb, on my Sister's Birthday as well. For some reason my life cycle starts in the fall. I don't really feel like New Years, Spring, or anything that symbolizes "life starting" as the beginning of my year. It takes an entire year to die for me to feel like "2008: I'm ready for you!"

I supposed it could be the fact that our academic lives are geared to start off like that. Daylight Saving's Time and the leaves changing means that it's time to start the year. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. So here I go... one more year in the books...

"I spent my life attacking everything because I was too afraid to risk creating anything..." ~Choke

It's rare in a person's life when they read a book that has only a cult following, and a couple years a later they turn it into a major motion picture. I mean, sure, we've all watched movies and had some arrogant friend spout off about how the book was better. Or, we've had our Davinci Code and Harry Potter experiences when everyone in the world is telling us to "READ THE BOOKS" before the movies come out and ruin them. But, to read a book and love it, never expecting to really see it on the big screen, then all of a sudden you walk out of a theatre and BOOM, your life's inspiration on a movie board....it's really quite a feeling...

Choke came out on Friday. My favorite book I've read is a Movie. This book came to me at a really low place in my life, and the sarcasm and satyr just really hit home. A lot of people don't agree with me, a lot of people thought it was waste of time.... but at the time I read it... I needed it....

Jason said he'd come into down and see the movie with me, but I think that I should enjoy the movie like I enjoyed the book: Alone. I read the book in about 40 hours in the summer of 2006 and loved it. It'd be a shame if I hated the movie and hyped it up just to look over at my guest and apologize for wasting their money. We'll see how the week goes....

Cynthia and Jason made blogs this past week. They both share the same love/hate with blogging. I've only tried to bring out the love in it, with them... both of them have things to vent and blogging is really the best way... I like it because I lay everything out there and if my friends care, they can read it. If they don't...well then I don't care....

Happy Birthday, Heather. Sorry I didn't see you today... or yesterday.....

Chemo Shmeemo

I should be getting a wake up knock here in about a half hour from my Mother telling me to get up and get ready to leave for the hospital so I'll type quickly:

I just wanted to comment on the improvements to this website. I know you all check back constantly, wondering what I'm doing and if I have finally lost it yet. So, for your reading pleasure I added my Twitter Feed to the top of the web page and titled it "Live From TJ!" Basically, Twitter is a website where you can update people on what you are up to via the website or Text Message. I simply just text message from my phone and you all can see what I'm thinking, or doing, as soon as it happens. It's like an instant blog.

I added my profile to the mix as well. I've been waiting for the ultimate picture to put on my profile before I went throwing just any ol' rag up there and I've found it. With a little snip snip and chop chop, I edited it and BAM.... TJ magic.

I'm going to have to say that I have grown bored with this thing because no one comments. Maybe you have grown bored with me and lack the inspiration to comment. With that said, I've decided to add some syndication to my website. That's right, if you have a blog and want me to list in on the updated "Blogs I Read" list to the right of this entry feel free to comment and give me your web address. This might be a lame duck attempt because I've found out people are even lazier than I am about updating. Is that possible?

After years of me begging, Jason has decided to create a blogger account. He tells me it will be up tomorrow; I'm not holding my breathe. His thought process is so irregular I imagine his entries will be some of the most entertaining stuff to read. Keep an eye on my "Blogs I Read" section for his link.

So this lackluster entry has come to a close and I apologize if it doesn't have the juice to keep your interest. It's just some things I wanted to mention before I go into Akron General Hospital and forget what my middle name is for 5 days. Maybe I'll give you a giggle later in the week with a morphine induced post.....but don't hold me to it....

Sinatra ~ My Way

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

New Month; New Post; Nothing New

September 9th, 2008 .... I've got the itch again. The itch of getting away for a couple of days. But where, and with who? Everyone has schedules...and lives. I'm notorious for my remarks of "I love to travel alone." or "I'd take a vacation by myself." In reality, I'd just get there and text Jason, Erin, Amanda, anyone who'd answer really. What does that say? It says I'm full of shit.... probably.

Wish List:

I wish I had hair.
I wish my body would go back to normal, and by normal I mean more muscle and less fat.
I wish that chemo would fuck off and die. As much as I enjoy the morphine, I'd be much happier without it.
I wish that I would actually go somewhere and use the camera instead of just taking pictures of the cat all day long.
I wish my Doctor would provide me with more information than "cut down your carbs" when I see her.
I wish people would stop telling me that they would do anything for me, just ask. The one thing I want... no one can do.
I wish I had better things to blog about so you weren't so bored to tears to read this mess.

Amanda gave me a framed picture of us yesterday and it made me smile. It was a picture taken last summer when my hair was just growing back and after I quit Cedar Point. I know this because I had my chester-molester facial hair growth. What was great, was that I was actually smiling. Not my usual "Stick my thumb up and show my teeth" pose, but an actual smile. That was when we thought good news was ahead. I was going to Columbus to find out what the next step in treatment was, and how I was going to get better....................hear we are.... one year later......

Jason is moving to Detroit. That's cool. I envy anyone that can move out of their town these days seeing as how I'm shackled to Akron for existence. My Hell, or Heaven, will be in this town I'm sure. Eternity probably has a sense of humor too, just like my life. Mocking me anyway it can... all the time...

My depression about Cedar Point has lifted. Everyone thought I was down on life about this Cancer business, but really if I was giong to be a mess about cancer, that would have started last year. Cancer wasn't the problem. My problem was that Cedar Point ended for me, which for me meant that everything that I had built for myself in the last 2 years had ended and coming back to Akron, living with mom, no future ahead..... just seemed like I've been rewound back to 2002 when life was fun, but not what I want anymore.

Yeah yeah yeah...it'll get better TJ. Weather the storm so you can see the sun. All of that horseshit..... but when did the storm really start? and does it ever really end? I think Life is a series of hurricanes: when we think we see sunshine it's really just the eye, because there's more storm coming right after it; Repeat.