Caviar Dreams on an Easy Mac Budget

Tomorrow morning I head off to see my good ol' friends Andy and Erin Higy. I always love visiting these kids and always have a great time, but sometimes it seems that I live beyond my means when we set foot into the city. It's my own fault, I always say. If Chicago weren't so damn cool, I wouldn't feel so compelled to give it all of my money.

This is the first time in a long stretch of Chicago visits that I'm only responsible for paying for myself. Before, I had a +1 with some expensive taste. I'm confident that I'll be able to keep my money in my pocket and still have a fantastic time. We've not only made dinner plans at a really nice restaurant with a delicious menu, but we also made plans at the Chicago Improv Olympics.

I'm taking the cameras so expect pictures of Holiday Cheer like no other. Stay tuned.... I'll be back in a few days....

Never is the Only Forever

"Never is the only Forever. Never is effortless; You don't have to do something anymore and it becomes 'never.' Forever means you have to commit and grind it out no matter what. Never is easy- people love easy. Take Pop-Tarts and Ramen Noodles for example." ~My Novel

Last night I inspired myself to write which was a problem because all I could think about was sleeping. It was midnight-ish and I just didn't have it in me to really write something thought provoking- which is the point of this entry. Never is the only Forever. I've been saying that for years. I could probably put a date on it if you wanted me to. A time when I became this romantic love cynic and switched gears into making myself believe that the only love that is real is family and friends- "women are just 'dust in the wind.'" but as I started to make myself believe all of this, it ran itself deeper and deeper into my thought process- Not just relationships and love anymore.

I started to realize that it's in everything. Never is the easiest forever. "I will never eat tortilla chips again." How effortless would that be? Maybe not for the corn chip lovers out there; but, for the majority it's incredibly doable. Take diets for instance. A diet is a lifestyle change; people don't realize this. Diet's should be forever. How hard is it to go on a diet? How many people do you know have started a diet and committed to the lifestyle change? Forever. No one has succeeded; have they? "I will go on the diet-forever."


"I will never talk to you again." Now this is a doosy and I was thinking about it all day yesterday. How cowardice is that statement? The ease in never talking to someone again is beyond elementary. Sure, there is pain in detaching from someone you care about, but to me it's a fucking cop-out. My distaste for people who just shut off from another because they don't know how to handle what's going on cannot be described in typed word; you'd have to watch me punch a wall or choke out a puppy. I'm a firm believer in time; I'll take a minute, minute is such a relative term sometimes, and think about what I should do. This is because I know myself well enough to know that in an emotional moment I'll shoot off at the mouth and just make things worse. "I will never talk to you again." Fuck that. If you were going to quit, then why did you start to begin with?

Let's observe the flip-side. "I will always be there for you." How many times have you been told this goddamn lie? How many friends really aren't there for you? that's difficult and most people only use that kind of energy on family. Blood is thicker than water; so if you aren't related to someone who says that to you just assume that one day they won't be. People get bored and sick of constantly being there for other people. Most people who are actually there for everyone feel stepped on and taken advantage of; most of them are in some sort of therapy or take the happy pills. Regular people rationally see that their generosity is not reciprocated and get out of a bad situation. This is why I'd rather hold my liver and cry about my life in private then let people get sick of being my crutch. I know I'll someday need someone to feed me jello in hospice.

Don't think I'm up on my pedestal, as always, preaching to everyone that forever is bullshit because of weak people. I'm know I've let my fair share of people down. I'm also a selfish, know-it-all, egotistical cock. But, at least i know that about myself. Most people go through their lives not having a clue of who they are. I'm just trying to share why I think never is the real forever; and to not let this go on and on I'll just end it here. Since I've written myself as a re-occuring character in the novel, I go into greater detail trying to talk sense into my main character.

Look for it on Amazon in the Spring of Two Thousand- Never.

Send Her My Love....

she needed so much more than I could give...

Well hells bells, it's November 13th and I just remembered that I never renewed my stupid license plates for my stupid car. That means that today I get to go through the Hell that is the Driver's License Bureau. What's probably going to happen, is that I'm going to get there, wait in line for God knows how long, and finally hear my number called only to be told that I forgot something. It always works out that way. I think it makes them Happy to make others miserable.

My car hasn't moved in almost a week, not since my Birthday. Because of this, the Cav is covered in leaves and looks like a leaf pile in front of someone's house- ready to burn. I didn't drive it at all yesterday because I was trying to get out of my mind how nice the rental car was. I know as soon as I get back into my little clown car I'm going to hate it. I shouldn't be so mean to my car, it gets me around town and from state to state when I visit friends. But, driving a new rental is always a treat.

I watched Rain Man for the first time, all the way through, last night. I didn't know how funny that movie really was. I always caught bits and pieces on TV, so it was cut up and censored. I'll probably watch it again today sometime, there's nothing ever on TV, thank the lord for DVDs. Kmart sucks...

Happy Birthday.
Shut the Fuck up.

Up To Date

Great Grandma: ”You go make that baby’s bed.”
Mom: “Grandma, he’s twenty-six years old. He can make his own bed.”
Great Grandma: “But, He’s your baby.”
TJ: “YEAH!”

Someone mark another one down for Team TJ.

As you all didn’t know, I’ve spent the last few days in The Smokey Mountains visiting my Great Grandma with my Mother. Just like anyone visiting relatives, we all really just sat around staring at each other, not knowing what to say. My favorite part was when I got a kiss for setting up the new TV. I’m a genius.

I thought I was going to have a lot more boring time down here, but before I knew it we were on the road home. I was really looking forward to catching up on the novel and maybe reading a little. Unfortunately, with all of my visitors last week and this trip, I’ve hit a wall with the novel and only have about 7000 words total. Hopefully, this week will be better because I know once I go into the hospital next week for chemo I’m going to fall completely off of the wagon. When I’m not comfortable I can’t read or write.

I also thought I was going to take at least a thousand pictures, no joke, while I was in North Carolina, too. But, as it stands, you can only really take about 150 pictures of mountains and trees before it gets extremely old. Pictures should be up on Flickr soon if not already. I’m writing this blog down here in the Mountains on Word, to be transferred to Blogger later. I know they are all loaded into my Flickr! Uploader. I’m really happy with my new lenses and so thankful that I decided to get the 55-200mm telephoto. You may not be able to tell in the photos, but it was a life-saver when I’d have to stop along side of the road for shots.

I’m going to some Cleveland food Expo with my Sister and Jeff this weekend. I’m looking forward to that. When I told my Heather that I was going to the Harrah’s casino on the Cherokee Reservation while we were down here she flipped out and wanted to go to a Casino, too. Maybe we’ll have a two-day adventure this weekend: Cleveland AND Mountaineer. That’d be cool. Then, right back to Hell.

On the 17th I go back to Chemo and start my twenty-eight day cycle all over again, like a girl. Being a girl sucks…

Twenty-four Hours for TJ

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday TJ
Happy Birthday to me...

Twenty-six years old emotionally; ten years old mentally; and eighty years old physically.

How many birthdays have you had? How many stand out in your mind as the best? I bet it wasn't any year recently. I bet it was a birthday when you were younger. Why are we so fixed on Birthdays being better as children? When do birthdays stop revolving around gifts?

I absolutely hate buying presents. When asked "What did you get so-n-so for ))insert random holiday((?" my reply is usually "I gave them the gift of me." I'd rather take someone out, crack a few jokes, and give them a great time than give some random gift that will be forgotten as quickly as it was given. Is that arrogant? "I gave them the gift of TJ." Am I some sort of amazing person to be around? Why am I such a fucking pretentious prick sometimes? This is my train of thought when celebrating other's holidays because this is my favorite present to get....

Don't get me wrong..... toys are nice. My family scraped together a chunk of money so that I could have nice lenses for my new camera for which I'm incredibly thankful. Hopefully I'll be able to capture some nice memories over the holidays. But, for me, I really enjoy just getting together and having a great time....which is what I got this year....

This week was full of visits from friends. Jason came into town with his roommate Aaron, who turned out to be a really cool guy, and we had a great time this week. Andy and Erin had to come into town for family reasons, but it was really cool to spend the time I did with them. Cynthia basically spent the entire time with us which was also glorious because she's been sick for like a month.

Another Birthday; another day; another cake; another wish- Same wish as last year.....


.......to have another birthday.

Gimme a Break- Break me off a Piece....

"I close my eyes. Only for a moment- and the moment's gone."

I need a break from writing. This last chapter has taken quite a toll on me. After being asked by Cynthia if she was going to be written into the book, I decided that I could introduce myself, Jason, and her into the book-very quickly- as customers at the bar the main character works at. This was sort of a bad idea because, even though I changed our names, I wanted us to sound like we do in real life. This was quite taxing and I had to put thought into the dialog, which stammered my pace considerably and tired me out.

I also made the mistake of letter Cynthia read the first three chapters- which is bad. The first three chapters of anything is nothing. Out of context it probably seems like the biggest piece of shit, but it's going to come around, I promise. I'm not working with an outline, but I've got a great idea in my head that just needs to get out. And if anyone reads the finished product, I promise that you'll find the satire, sarcasm, and emotions as real as it gets. The first chapters just build the main character to the reader.

"So, what's it about?"

You've gotta be asking yourself. Basically, it's all of the messed up junk I've done in my life, wrapped around a love story that may or may not work out. The main character is every man, and the girlfriend is every girlfriend. If I finish this and you ever get a copy, you are going to read it and notice a part that sounds familiar, but exaggerated, to something we've done together. That's because it's the best way I can think of to shape my main character into a cynical, know-it-all asshole.

So stay tuned and be patient. God willing the first draft will be done in 27 days. By then I'll have vowed to never to this again and probably chop my fingers off to make sure of it.

"Don't hang on. Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and sky.
It slips away. And all your money won't another minute buy.
All we are is dust in the wind."

Another day, Another dollar...Another blog

"I hate wet."

I'm funny. If you've been keeping up with my Twitter updates, then you'd have read that I started my novel. I was inspired by my friends who had started today also, typing out 1700 and 1900 words for themselves. I, however, spit out 2022 words in two hours and fifteen minutes. Then I went on with 1648 more word because I knew I wasn't sleepy. That's 3670 words in one night. I'm like a superhero with a keyboard. I'm pretty proud of myself if you can't tell. Of course, I'm not surprised. I threw down 5000 words in one afternoon for the amusement park I worked at when I was writing training material.

With me, as you all know from reading my blogs, I can close my eyes and let me fingers go at ludicrous speed(That'd be a good stocking stuffer: Spaceballs) when it's all bullshit, which is what writing fiction is all about. I just imagine it, and it's as good as gold. Too bad my family will never read it, it's pretty fucked up. I read over what I typed and it's about 10x worse than anything you'll ever see on this site. But, it's funny. I can assure you of that.

Also, if you've been keeping up with my Twitts, you'll have noticed that I had quite the little fever- 103.2. I felt a little achy and tired, but wasn't like falling over passing out- like how we all associate high temperatures and symptoms. My mom finally made me take my temperature and that's what popped up last night.

She went into "mom mode," you know, when they start doing everything they can do to help you. Before I knew it I had a bottle of water and three fever reducers in front of me. "Take them!" It's not like I wasn't going to take the pills, she just got to the medicine cabinet before me. Anyway, the fever broke this morning and I soaked through my shirt and pants in sweat, I hate that. With the random meds I've been on throughout chemo, I've had my share of night sweats. I just hate it when it happens.



"Soaking wet?!"





A Tidbit:

“Are you even listening to me?” She yells.

“God damn. Yes. Candles: Scented or unscented. I like the idea of candles but sometimes too many scented gives me a headache. So, why not one scented candle and the rest unscented?” I’m washing and drying dishes- and on top of that being verbally abused. I’m like a single mother with an alcoholic boyfriend.

“You are always off in la la land when I try to talk to you about serious stuff. I feel like you are cheating on me with your imagination.”

Isn’t my girlfriend cute?

I'll write you a book about it...

"my imagination is unparalleled .... I know.... I'm like Walt Disney...."
"Walt Disney on ...morphine...."


So that's the last shove. The last vote of encouragement, if it can be called that. I've decided to set out what I said I was going to to do months ago and write. Write a novel, write a blog, write a cracker jack joke... I'm going to write. My sister and I were talking about a friend of ours that has this group that gets together to write. I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but it seems like they are just a way to stay inspired and on course. when you are writing for nothing, it's easy to just stop. I've been stuck on page 14 of my memoirs for like six months now-I'll probably never finish. The Sister drops the last bomb on me:

"You know they write fiction, right?"

What the fuck do I know about fiction? Am I gonna start writing about a boy wizard on coffee shop napkins or dream up far off galaxies that existed a long, long time ago? no. I don't have time for that ghosts and goblins bullshit. I can't parallel the Peter Pan and hope to turn it into some sort of Broadway musical. All I have is what is in my head; and that's a lot of filthy humor and crass antics played out by myself and friends over the years.

If fiction is what is needed, then I'll just carve out one of my many stupid weekends I've had in my life, change the names....and call it fiction. The cool thing is, is that it'd sell too. Bromance is an actual genre that has been made famous by The Waiter and Tucker Max. I could rewrite The Average American Male in about 12 hours, but there's already one of those.

Shit, I could write down the time Andy knocked over that dude's motorcycle and get on the New York Times Bestsellers, everyone always asked me to tell that fucking story.

This week is going to be spent reading The Confederacy of Dunces and Fight Club all over again. The authors are Gods amongst men of imagery.

Just Gargle with Salt Water....

"...Mom, you've been tellin' me to do that me entire life- It never works."

How many of us were raised on old wives' tales. The Gargle with Salt water always comes to mind when I ask myself that question. I have no doubt in my mind that my Mother, God love her, was plagued with those words her entire childhood. So, it stands to reason that what worked for her would work for us growing up. Unfortunately, my sister and I never really saw the point in gargling with salt water for a sore throat. Instead of giving us a nice, cool feeling- it gave us a horrible bitter "who just blew a load in my mouth" feeling. Well I guess I can't speak to that... but it's a horrible practice that should be deleted by the parents of today.

The Salt-Water Gargling........ not the other thing....I digress ....

"remember when we were going to be great?"

A week went by in the hospital and I didn't even know it. It's funny how the longest weeks of my life fly by so quickly. Fall is always a busy time for birthdays and anniversaries in my life, but this year it's been extra hard to keep up. Jennie, Heather, Amanda, Jeff, Dad, Dad and Mary's Anniversary, MY OWN BIRTHDAY... I know there are some I'm forgetting... Jackie...Cynthia... lets throw Jen for good measure as well. It doesn't really even end until Thankgiving, because Andy is right around there. Then Guy for New Years.... Fall kicks my ass, and if I missed your event...accept my apologies.

I remember when I could keep all of this straight. When energy wasn't an issue. Now, the friggin' steps are an issue.

"...can all of this just be over so I can get busy with either the 'happily ever after' or 'dead' part?...."

Always When it's the Least Offensive

Cynthia: Ok.. Now you update.
TJ: Oh I am, and it's going to be closely tied with this morning...well..afternoon...
Cynthia: Don't say anything mean about her, please?

Always....always....ALWAYS in my life when I get in trouble for my mouth it comes at a time that it's the least offensive. What's up with that? It really boggles my mind. I say some messed up junk, but when people who take themselves too seriously decided it's their day to get fed up with my non-sense, truth be told- that's what it is, it comes at a time when I'm fairly nice.

Examples are filling my head like it's high tide, and stink just as badly. We'll go back to a time when my friend, Heather- a Culinary Assistant at the Olive Garden, and I were going back and forth with our usual banter one fine morning in the Kitchen. It's the kind of carrying-on when no one can tell if we are serious or not, but we both know we are joking.

Well, the manager on duty didn't like it much. This particular manager and I aren't the closest of friends, in fact he hated me. I rang the bell on him so many times that it was stupid. He deserved it. Whatever. Anyway, He hears what's going on, because I do my best bullshitting on our loudspeaker that's used to call soups up from the back of the house, and flies out of the office. He comes into the Alley, the main server area, and begins to scream at me.

Now, for those of you who've screamed at me, mainly I'm talking to my parents, but I'm sure there are a few others, you know my reaction. I put on my most cavalier face and mock you with my eyes so I can see how far you are willing to go with this. I put that TJ smile on, grabbed a drink (while he was berating me) and enjoyed the show just like the other 15 servers that were standing around acting like they weren't watching. The entire time in my head I was thinking "Wow. This guy's toast." I knew Olive Garden Management philosophy better than most OG managers because I was up the ass of my General Manager. I know you can't scream at an employee, using foul language and name calling. In the end, I got my apology. No harm, no foul.

Fast forward to this morning. No wait- last night. For those of you that don't know Facebook it has the feature called "status update." It's the same thing as Twitter, which are the little updates at the top of my page. You can say dumb stuff like "TJ is taking a poop and on his laptop at the same time" or "Cynthia is sick of being sick," which was her status for last night. Another fine feature that Facebook has is that you can comment on these status updates. So, my late night reply was "Then go to the effin doctor....a-hole." Verbatim.

I think we all can agree I've said a lot worse- probably to members of clergy. But for some reason I decided to tone down my crass, classless, shameless vocabulary and go with an edited version. And this is where history repeats itself. I'm met with an email notification this morning that there was a response to my comment:

"You have no idea how I hate seeing this on my wall...I would never write such a nasty comment... wish I could remove this from my wall! If you know how I can...please tell me! I would hate to think my friends and family would assume I find this acceptable! Morality and class...never goes out of style!"

Are you fucking kidding me?!? Again?!? I read this with one eye and didn't really think much of it. But, as time went on and I woke up a bit, it really began to ruin my bowl of Frosted Flakes. I was preparing for war. I wanted to say something back, but my brain was moving to fast for my fingers. Plus, I was busy eating a tupperware size bowl of Frosted Flakes.

Cynthia told me that it was a lady that considers herself close enough to Cynthia to care for her like a daughter and was just offended that someone would speak to her like that. After contemplating my juvenile retaliation, I decided to just respect my elders and delete my comment. I offered no apologies because Cynthia and I regularly speak disrespectfully to each other. I think she might have called me a "cunt" twice today.

I used to just think that I'd have hit the tipping point with adults when I get bitched at for something far less offensive than my normal banter. But, this woman didn't know me. She hasn't had to put up with my bullshit like my Mother, Teachers, or employers. I've gone on rampages back at Pancho's sending asshole out of the room crying, ready to walk out and quite their job. But anytime I've gotten in trouble, it's been for something that was quite small.

An enigma...to say the least. Maybe when people see me at my best, or worst, they think to themselves "Wow this dude is quick. There'd be no stopping this man's quick wit, so why even try?" Then try to take me down when I seem tired or week. I guess it can be called "Social Natural Selection." They should know better- I'm just playing sick ... and that I take down prey bigger than me for breakfast.

She's probably sitting on her bed, rocking back and forth, and obsessively petting her cat for all I care.

Times of Ol'

How many times do you look back and think Fuck me, my parents were right. Those WERE the best days of my life. I should have held on a little longer. Whether it be a little league game, band camp, a dance performance, an unforgettable night with friends, football game, a high school job that didn't matter; chances are that was the best time of your life. Remember how you felt? Remember the disbelief?

If these are the best days of my life, then my life is going to blow complete ass. I remember completely dismissing that tidbit of advice. If you were going to tell me that living in my parent's basement, not having any direction, and working so many hours I couldn't even count them anymore would be the best time of my life... I would have taken every pill in my house. They should have told it to us differently: Being an adult is a crapshoot. I think we would have gotten the message.

I remember being a Junior in High School and going to the bowling alley on friday nights for the black light bowling. I remember hating it, but I remember having such a great time. Or the time Nate and I threw the best party in the world at his house, and then did so like 4 more times. I remember being responsible for getting the majority of my friends drunk for their first time. I remember working at the Upper Deck and hating it, but loving it because I could do whatever I wanted. I was 17 and didn't know the meaning of integrity, so if you were an asshole to me I'd deep fry your burger instead of grilling it. I remember throwing a beer bottle as hard as I could from the outside grill to the dumpster- only to accidentally hit a drunk man in the head with it.

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again ~Times Like These-Foo Fighters


What about the time when Jennie got so wasted at Aaron's bonfire that Sam and I had to drive her home? Then I had to carry her into her house, past her mother, and drop her off at the steps that led up to her room. Then there was the time that She and I made a pact to get married at twenty-five. Or how about the time that she threw me and Dustin a going away party when we set off for Cedar Point in 2003, sending us off with a bottle of Jager each.

And what about Cedar Point? Serendipity at it's finest. The people I met, the path it laid; things I can never regret. Some incredibly intense things went on that grew me up fairly quick. And the direction it pointed me carves out my life thus far: Bloomington.

Who would have known that our best years were back then? Why didn't they tell me earlier? Oh wait... they tried.... I didn't listen...

...I never do...


There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves.
Albert Guinon

While the World Sleeps; It's Just Me and Kitty Awake

"You look like you are about to fall asleep, TJ."
"No, I'm just sick of playing cards with drunk people."


Tonight was the first night in a month or so that I went back to the Upper Dump(I'm allowed to say that, I've been in the basement) to play cards. The people there are awesome, all of which I'd call my friends, but the randoms that come up and play card with us are really something else. Tonight, drunken twins, multiples are always a joy- they were only meant for one brain ya know, came up and wanted to play in our free poker tourney. We always welcome new blood, so they sit down and the cards hit the table. The entire time the host, Dwayne, is trying to figure out if they are drunk or just retarded. I know the answer. I went to school with these fuck-sticks back at Portage Lakes and the answer is-Both. In school, they were the prime example of two people meant for one brain. Tonight, they were each half of a brain, pounding their Miller High Life bottles. I rarely ever stay for the second game.... while most people find it hilarious to be around alcohol, I just get annoyed.

Sunday, I had a photo shoot with my adorable niece and nephew. Unfortunately it was the worst time of day to shoot and the sun is harsh. I think the pics will be OK for family, but definitely not material to be sent into a competition or anything. These kids make up for it in cuteness. I'm just going to chalk it all up to inexperience and that I'm still learning how to shoot. I'll get better. The weather was perfect and I don't often get the chance to take pictures of them so I had to seize the moment. We will see what I can do in Photoshop.





TJ: Sitemeter shows that NASA just hit my page. First it's NASA, then the FBI, then Homland Security. Next thing you know I'm gonna be in Guantanamo Bay getting raped and the beat down of my life.
The Jangus: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to remove my link from your page.

Why so Serious?

(Look up at your URL bar...a little surprise for you)

I know that my readers probably ask themselves Why is TJ so vulgar?

To that question, I ask you "Why so Serious?"

No one I know has a website with their real name as the banner and actually says what they are thinking. Everyone is so piss scared of revealing their true thoughts to people. I think that's fucking lame. I see nothing wrong with honesty, even if it might spark a little mayhem. At least that mayhem will be the truest thing you'll participate in- probably in the span of that day. People hide behind shrouds of bullshit; people like me see through that shit and just say it how it is. And if how it is has some swear words in it- so be it.

Now, I know that cursing automatically lowers me into some sort of Joe Six-Pack subclass in most people's minds. All of the uppity snobs stare down their nose at bad language and don't tolerate it much, but isn't it how we all speak in private? Isn't that how we all think before our tongues filter it out? I know how to socially filter myself. If you know me, you know you can put me into a room with just about anyone, except churchies- I hate church folk, and I'll mix in like warm butter. But, in general, I say what I want and never get a bad result.

I know that one day, if I get over this situation called cancer, I'll probably have to delete this blog, but for now I'm telling it how it is. I ask for no forgiveness and I make no apology. Do you know how liberating it feels to say whatever you want in a forum where anyone in the world can read it, and your NAME is on it? It's probably the best feeling in the world. I wish everyone had the balls to do it. So far its just me and I'm competitor free. I'm no celebrity or public figure. I'm just a guy with a voice that get pissed off sometimes and wants anyone, willing to read, to know about it.

1277 express to heaven
Speeding along like dynamite
1277 express to heaven
Rumbles the steel like a dogfight
You caught me in its spell
Trying to leave but you know darn well
The heat from below can burn your eyes out

~Hot Rails to Hell - Blue Oyster Cult

Another Sleepless Night; I'll fall Asleep When I See the Sun

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. ~Ambrose Bierce

Uhhhhg. No sleep; No Peace. I woke up today, got out of bed, looked in the mirror and thought I saw some yellow in my eyes. I'm so paranoid about going jaundice that I always think I'm slightly yellow. Any time I have a slight itchiness to my skin or indigestion I start to freak out and take the steroids I have. I don't reason with myself that I took two hot showers the day before and might have dry skin, or that I ate some pretty wicked Pancho's for lunch and have legitimate acid reflux. I go straight for worst case scenario and pound the pills.

These pills, like most, are a blessing and a curse. They make me hungry which is great, but I seriously never can get full, which is the opposite of great. They also "Jump start my system," as my nurse likes to say, thus creating the blabbering insomniac you see before you. I suppose if I had a night life, this would be fine. I suppose if I had money to travel this would be great too. But I have none of these....so I blog....

Maybe I should clean my damn room. I just don't know where to put all of this shit. I have mounds of junk on my floor with only a closet and a dresser to put it all in. I see myself putting it all on my bed to organize it, filling up my closet and my dresser, then putting it all back on the floor in smaller, neater mounds. What's the point?

I haven't driven my car since Friday. I got a last minute call to play poker and I took it. I had already cancelled plans with family for dinner because my stomach was feeling weird, but I figured that poker couldn't hurt- it wasn't like I was going to eat the cards. I only cancelled for dinner because it was a pricey place we were going, I was being treated, and I didn't want to waste anyone's money when money is so tight for everyone these days. But anyway, I get to the game and there was pizza there, the host bought us all pizza as a way to thank us for coming on such short notice. I had a piece of cheese pizza just to be nice, anyone who knows me knows that if I was really going to eat pizza I would have taken 4 or 5 peices. The first half of the game was going better than OK, it was going phenomenal. I was making good calls and great reads.

I threw down my top pair, face up, post flop because I knew the guy betting had a higher pocket pair. He did. My Queens were dominated by his Kings and I let everyone knew I laid it down, earning me instant praise for "good instinct." I made strong raises at critical moments pushing players out of pots when I had absolutely nothing in my hand. I'm getting better at bluffing and keeping my heart rate down. Unfortunately, about halfway through the game I started to really feel like shit and and started to shiver. I knew this couldn't be good. I make the hard decision to just dump my chips and get out of there. I needed to go home.

So, any decent hand I got I pushed hard, got called.....and WON. Are you kidding me?!? I kept winning. This is awful. I'm two seconds from putting my head down on the table and taking a nap like I'm in first-grade with a tummy ache, and I can't leave the game. Eventually, I get rid of my chips.... but not as soon as I'd hoped.

I hope they've got a bathroom..........cuz I'm gonna use it!

I get in the car and run home. I'm freezing. I hop in the shower and scold myself with hot water to end the Hell of what feels like hypothermia. I just stand there with my eyes closed, cursing life, thinking about the great card game and smooth moves I had made, I was really doing well. All of a sudden I get thin spit; this means it's puke time. I get out of the shower dry off a bit, sit down on the tub and just let loose into the open toilet. At full force, everything came up; I could even see breakfast; it was 11:30 pm.

Over the last few months I've made love to the toilet more times than I'd like to recall, but nothing is worse than barfing naked. No matter what you see in the toilet, no matter how grossed out that its coming out of your nose too, all you can think about is that you are naked and how sad of a sight this must be. This must be the worst thing someone could ever walk in on. The madness ends and I clean up. I gathered up my clothes and head to my bedroom. I knew where my sweat pants where in this mess of a room so I put them on immediately, along with the Tshirt I wore to play poker in and I fell into bed.

I stayed there until today with the exceptions of eating some soup and toast yesterday. Today, however, I felt well enough to try whole foods, and by the end of the day I was back to the regular stuff we have around the house. Yay me, conquered another ailment. Wonderful.......

Comic blog

So I found this application on my Mac called Comic Life. I don't have any pictures right now that would fit well with it, but I came up with some funny things to say with a few that I have. Well I think they are funny...... If you are having trouble seeing the letters, you can view them in my Flickr!

Political Rant...

How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don’t think. ~Some Guy

I’m in a fairly political mood, but I don’t want to preach so I’m just going to say that both candidates are fucking lame, and then talk about myself for an hour. I don’t want to fall I the category of those I see on the FaceSpace spouting off what Fox News, BBC, PBS, or CNN told them to say this morning. We all have our own brand I suppose; perhaps we should all just shut up and smoke.

I watched the debates and to a man who has spun an incredible web of bullshit his entire life- I have to say they both looked like assholes up there. It’s a damn soap opera, the debates. Prescript with notes that some poor intern wrote in twenty-five minutes, probably on the way to the debate. McCain looked out of touch (don’t fucking tell me where you’ve been and who you’ve seen… fuck off…) and Obama looked characteristically cool considering he is better qualified to make my mocha than run my country (Don’t tell me about the abstract plan you wrote down and someone told you it was brilliant…fuck off…)

As much as I want to wear Sarah Palin’s ass as a hat(lol..That should go over well with my family who reads this thing) she’s a damn joke for VP…

And the other guy…. Biden… well Palin did her job blowing his name right out of the election… who even cares about him anymore? That move will be studied by political analysts for years. Brilliant move by the right...completly cutting the legs out from underneath the VP candidates, thus negating their existence what-so-ever.

I feel like I just played Othello and canceled out all of my chips… weird.

Back to the FaceSpace masses, who are college age students spouting off what the read and what their professors tell them; get over it. You don’t matter until you are 26+ and have an active role in the economy…so shut up and drink your beer…enjoy it for another 4 years.

Oh..and lets talk about how everyone is some sort of Economist now. Everyone knows how to fix the economy. Economy this…economy that…. I bet if you asked someone to define Economy they’d give you a big, dumb look like AIG had on their faces last week. The truth, no one can fix the economy, it has to fix itself. Places like China and the Mid East have to work with us to get our economy back. We entered into this long ago under Clinton and he said “LET IT RIIIIDE!” ……..Voila ….. He signed NAFTA and began the steps to a Global Economy.

Now I’m sure everyone’s head just exploded when I said that. So I’ll stop. Making mention of the rest of the world to an American is damn close to denouncing Christ as the Son of God… people don’t react well to it.

“Why do we have to bail out Wall Street?!” I’ve been asked. Well, remember back in school when we learned about the Great Depression and stock brokers jumping off of buildings, banks going bankrupt, and all Hell breaking loose? Remember when you asked the teacher “Can that ever happen again?” and she said “No…we have systems put into place to never let that happen again.” THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT! These are the systems…. These are the ways…

OH …and you want tax cuts for the rich… they are the ones that invest in the economy. The more money they have- the more jobs we can get- the happier all of us lemmings are.

McCain and Obama are going to do the same thing: Put more troops in sand boxes and tell congress to figure out the economy. They are both playing the same game now....and Change is long gone. All of the Change has fallen off of their platforms. Clean air, socialized medicine, SOCIAL SECURITY..... c'mon America.... think.


Even Hitler relished in the fact that a country wouldn't think and just act......he even wrote down a quote about it somewhere....

With the Lights out, It's less Dangerous...

New Text Message from....Chzech Re-Pub-lic...

...that poor girl

Let's try this Jangus Style...

My eyes open tightly because the light from the TV is too much for me to deal with right now. Another thing I can't deal with is the raging piss I have to take...they don't tell you about that in the beginning. I bring myself back to reality by focusing on the ceiling above my bed...yup...still twenty-four ceiling tiles... I wiggle around, not to much though..I don't want to piss the sheets...and my cell phone falls off my chest onto the pillow I have that cushions my right side. I think I keep it there because it perpetuates the lie I tell about my pain... theatrics are my game these days.. you have to make it look real..or people start to think you don't have cancer.

I pick up my phone to check late night texts or twitter updates... nothing new... it's 4am... who did I think was going to be up besides me in a hospital room. I get up gently, unplug my IV pump...wheel it into the bathroom and release a full bladder into the toilet. I've mastered pissing right-handed....I should enter a talent contest with this skill. Good news... it all made it into the toilet... I twirl myself out of my chemo tubing and notice an empty piss cup on the toilet paper dispenser. SHIT!

I forgot to piss i the cup. I think it's horseshit that they fucking make me do this at night..when these last two paragraphs illustrate how I wake up in the hospital. Why can't I give my sample in the afternoon? .....whatever.... I don't care....at that moment I wished I would have pissed all over the walls...and the floors...and the door handle... the sink... the shower.... walked out in the hall and pissed on the medical assistants that would have had to clean it up when I was done pissing on them..... I imagine myself walking down the hall just piss-pissing away ...on their little mobile computers... on the front desk...on the people sleeping in the family rooms....

I hit the "door open" button at the end of the hallway and just keep on going...running and pissing... on the Coke Machine that can't keep a damn soda cold to save it's stupid life... all over the Blue Elevators...the Brown Elevators....fuck 'em..all the elevators... I'll end my escapade in Interventional Radiology and piss right on the Flora Scope that they need to access this two-inch deep port every twenty-eight fucking days! Instead I stand there in my hospital bathroom- feeling like I let my nurse down....

I grab my IV Stand, which I call my girlfriend to the nurses, and perform my ritual of sorts after I go to the bathroom. I'll go out in the hall...smack a couple purell dispensers and stare at them for a little while. This happens any time I get out of bed really. "Hey Tom, How's it goin?" ....... only my friends call me TJ.......

How the Hell do you think it's going? Fuck you and your trying to make me feel better attitude. "Oh I'm fantastic!" That's my stock answer. Sound Familiar? After being out with the people for a minute..I close my door and rummage around my room for a bit. I go to the window sill where my family has stocked me with a nice array of munchies...thank you all. I eat the chips and cookies during times like these..at night... My room light is on which is weird because I don't remember hitting the button..but then again I don't remember much from chemo. Call it selective memory... call it abuse of perscription pain meds... I'm ready to go...one way or the other...

"I hate here." That's all I can think about. So I try to fill my head with hilarious scenarios that would play out fantastically on the big screen. But, I'm not that creative... so I imagine Jedi battle scenes in the hallways and ninjas creeping down out of the ceiling tiles. This is so much better on Morphine. Speaking of.... I look to the big-ass clock on my wall to see how long it's been since I've had my last shot. I pray it's been over 2 hours.

My last shot was at 1:15am. I know this because I make a mental note of it every time. It's extremely important to my survival in here. ..............doing the math................doing the math......God damn I'm dumb...I can't figure out two hours...............wait for it............wait for it........ it's been 3 hours!! it was now 4:15am!!!! I reach to my call button and tap furiously... like that button was my direct link to a cure.... The medical assistants know me enough to just come in...turn off my light...and say "ready for your pain meds?" ..................YES MOTHER FUCKER!!!! whooop whoopp... it's pass out time!!! nah na na naaaaa.... "Yeah could you check with Gia if it's time for my next pain shot?"

You can't be too excited. While I think everyone that works in the hospital got their degrees online, I still think that there's enough common sense between them to know when I just want to sleep. I shouldn't say that... there are some really nice people working there.... some.

After the Assistant leave my mind races with enthusiasm. Almost as much as when I wanted to piss on everything... I hop back into bed and ready myself for what's coming... Paradise through Chemistry.... I watch the same Sportscenter that's been on since 11pm. I act like I care. I grab my phone and check it compulsively ..as I always do... no texts...of course.......24 ceiling tiles.... pillow is wet from sweating during my last nap...I flip it... problem solved... My RN walks in...."I've got your meds Mister Mozik....".....only my friends call me TJ....

"oh..i was wondering if it was time. I forgot to pee in the cup. I'm sorry." I'm ready for the barrage of fists to my face...... like you see in the hidden videos on Real TV from disgruntled nursing home assistants...... "it's ok. We'll get it next time." well that was painless... she sets the needles on my chest and before I know it the chemical is in my line..... in my port.... in my neck.... in my arm..... in my body.... .in my mind.... i close my eyes..... life is better..... I wish it would last...... I ignore her talking to me....I fall asleep...... up is down.... another vivid dream..... maybe I'll live in this one...........

I open my eyes tightly.... the TV is too bright for me to deal with right now... I have to take a raging piss......


...no matter what was happening ...that would always make us laugh.... that poor girl....

Another Movie I want to see

This should be a good one!

Happy Birthday To You...

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, Dear Heather
Happy Birthday ...To...You....

What's funny is that I remember starting one of my independent blogs, via iWeb, on my Sister's Birthday as well. For some reason my life cycle starts in the fall. I don't really feel like New Years, Spring, or anything that symbolizes "life starting" as the beginning of my year. It takes an entire year to die for me to feel like "2008: I'm ready for you!"

I supposed it could be the fact that our academic lives are geared to start off like that. Daylight Saving's Time and the leaves changing means that it's time to start the year. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. So here I go... one more year in the books...

"I spent my life attacking everything because I was too afraid to risk creating anything..." ~Choke

It's rare in a person's life when they read a book that has only a cult following, and a couple years a later they turn it into a major motion picture. I mean, sure, we've all watched movies and had some arrogant friend spout off about how the book was better. Or, we've had our Davinci Code and Harry Potter experiences when everyone in the world is telling us to "READ THE BOOKS" before the movies come out and ruin them. But, to read a book and love it, never expecting to really see it on the big screen, then all of a sudden you walk out of a theatre and BOOM, your life's inspiration on a movie board....it's really quite a feeling...

Choke came out on Friday. My favorite book I've read is a Movie. This book came to me at a really low place in my life, and the sarcasm and satyr just really hit home. A lot of people don't agree with me, a lot of people thought it was waste of time.... but at the time I read it... I needed it....

Jason said he'd come into down and see the movie with me, but I think that I should enjoy the movie like I enjoyed the book: Alone. I read the book in about 40 hours in the summer of 2006 and loved it. It'd be a shame if I hated the movie and hyped it up just to look over at my guest and apologize for wasting their money. We'll see how the week goes....

Cynthia and Jason made blogs this past week. They both share the same love/hate with blogging. I've only tried to bring out the love in it, with them... both of them have things to vent and blogging is really the best way... I like it because I lay everything out there and if my friends care, they can read it. If they don't...well then I don't care....

Happy Birthday, Heather. Sorry I didn't see you today... or yesterday.....

Chemo Shmeemo

I should be getting a wake up knock here in about a half hour from my Mother telling me to get up and get ready to leave for the hospital so I'll type quickly:

I just wanted to comment on the improvements to this website. I know you all check back constantly, wondering what I'm doing and if I have finally lost it yet. So, for your reading pleasure I added my Twitter Feed to the top of the web page and titled it "Live From TJ!" Basically, Twitter is a website where you can update people on what you are up to via the website or Text Message. I simply just text message from my phone and you all can see what I'm thinking, or doing, as soon as it happens. It's like an instant blog.

I added my profile to the mix as well. I've been waiting for the ultimate picture to put on my profile before I went throwing just any ol' rag up there and I've found it. With a little snip snip and chop chop, I edited it and BAM.... TJ magic.

I'm going to have to say that I have grown bored with this thing because no one comments. Maybe you have grown bored with me and lack the inspiration to comment. With that said, I've decided to add some syndication to my website. That's right, if you have a blog and want me to list in on the updated "Blogs I Read" list to the right of this entry feel free to comment and give me your web address. This might be a lame duck attempt because I've found out people are even lazier than I am about updating. Is that possible?

After years of me begging, Jason has decided to create a blogger account. He tells me it will be up tomorrow; I'm not holding my breathe. His thought process is so irregular I imagine his entries will be some of the most entertaining stuff to read. Keep an eye on my "Blogs I Read" section for his link.

So this lackluster entry has come to a close and I apologize if it doesn't have the juice to keep your interest. It's just some things I wanted to mention before I go into Akron General Hospital and forget what my middle name is for 5 days. Maybe I'll give you a giggle later in the week with a morphine induced post.....but don't hold me to it....

Sinatra ~ My Way

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

New Month; New Post; Nothing New

September 9th, 2008 .... I've got the itch again. The itch of getting away for a couple of days. But where, and with who? Everyone has schedules...and lives. I'm notorious for my remarks of "I love to travel alone." or "I'd take a vacation by myself." In reality, I'd just get there and text Jason, Erin, Amanda, anyone who'd answer really. What does that say? It says I'm full of shit.... probably.

Wish List:

I wish I had hair.
I wish my body would go back to normal, and by normal I mean more muscle and less fat.
I wish that chemo would fuck off and die. As much as I enjoy the morphine, I'd be much happier without it.
I wish that I would actually go somewhere and use the camera instead of just taking pictures of the cat all day long.
I wish my Doctor would provide me with more information than "cut down your carbs" when I see her.
I wish people would stop telling me that they would do anything for me, just ask. The one thing I want... no one can do.
I wish I had better things to blog about so you weren't so bored to tears to read this mess.

Amanda gave me a framed picture of us yesterday and it made me smile. It was a picture taken last summer when my hair was just growing back and after I quit Cedar Point. I know this because I had my chester-molester facial hair growth. What was great, was that I was actually smiling. Not my usual "Stick my thumb up and show my teeth" pose, but an actual smile. That was when we thought good news was ahead. I was going to Columbus to find out what the next step in treatment was, and how I was going to get better....................hear we are.... one year later......

Jason is moving to Detroit. That's cool. I envy anyone that can move out of their town these days seeing as how I'm shackled to Akron for existence. My Hell, or Heaven, will be in this town I'm sure. Eternity probably has a sense of humor too, just like my life. Mocking me anyway it can... all the time...

My depression about Cedar Point has lifted. Everyone thought I was down on life about this Cancer business, but really if I was giong to be a mess about cancer, that would have started last year. Cancer wasn't the problem. My problem was that Cedar Point ended for me, which for me meant that everything that I had built for myself in the last 2 years had ended and coming back to Akron, living with mom, no future ahead..... just seemed like I've been rewound back to 2002 when life was fun, but not what I want anymore.

Yeah yeah yeah...it'll get better TJ. Weather the storm so you can see the sun. All of that horseshit..... but when did the storm really start? and does it ever really end? I think Life is a series of hurricanes: when we think we see sunshine it's really just the eye, because there's more storm coming right after it; Repeat.

Cancer: Turns Out... Not so Hilarious.

"So, when you can't sleep you just stay online all night long with the TV on? Really?"

So at about 2am Channel 43 plays Sex in the City. I don't think anyone I know is privy to this knowledge because you all sleep at regular times, but for Cynthia, Jason, and Yours Truly; we were all awake. Cynthia was slaying online poker enemies and philosophizing about how people will hit on your just because of your Avatar, and Jason and I were going back and forth with worthless links that satisfy our immediate boredom. I think at that point we had found YouTube videos of commercials from our childhood. The Norton Furniture guy comes to mind.....

Anyway... the episode of Sex in the City I'm trying not to pay attention to, trying to salvage some sort of heterosexuality, is one where the friend, the slutty friend, has cancer and starts her chemo. I don't know names, but I'm sure you all know who I'm talking about in the show. She said "Cancer: Turns Out... Not so Hilarious."

I thought that was so funny. Not to mention how appropriate it is for me because my days and nights are mixed up from chemo.

I can't wait until Mom comes down the steps for work and asks me if I've slept. Maybe I'll pull the ol' sit-here-with-my-laptop-and-TV-on-but-act-asleep trick.

A Blog...

what's in a blog?

"TJ you should Blog, I need something to read."

"TJ you haven't updated in a while, what's up with that?"

What do you want me to talk about? I don't really do anything and I've really got nothing to update. I sit around and dodge phone calls so I don't have to tell people what a lame ass I've become; that I just sit around and have gotten addicted to General Hospital and Oprah like a single mother on welfare. Far from the TJ I once was.

Mostly, because my energy level is in the dumps and my desire to plan anything in my life farther than 2 weeks in advance. Ya see, my doctor, while being an incredibly nice woman, is highly unpredictable and unreliable. I can't really rely on my chemo schedule because there is none. I call her office the Friday before I go in to remind her nurses to schedule my chemo for the following monday. I get the response "Oh, we didn't know you were supposed to go in on Monday."

"I know." I answer. They probably don't even know I'm fucking still alive.

I feel like I've let everyone down since I've let go the "go getter attitude" that I came back with from Indiana. But, it's been met with such adversity with my mentality for this town that I have just sort of let it go. Plus I'm just so fucking tired these days. I'm just not sure how much more I can take of this....

My Doctor fucked up my entire summer when she delayed my chemo for a week back in early May. All of my plans have gone to shit: Arizona, Taste of Chicago, Weddings, even Cedar Point. I've tried to make up for it by visiting friends out of state... but I still didn't see Sammy and I still didn't get to go to Chicago like I had been planning since winter. Now Summer has about a month left and I just want to put on my wool coat again and brave the nasty cold because it means this fucked up summer has ended and is behind me. How lame is that?

hmph.... So since I didn't go on the trips I wanted to go on... and set aside some cash for... I dipped into my travel fund and splurged on myself. I bought a new camera: The Nikon D60. It's the same one Ashton has on all of the commercials. I did a lot of research before I bought it and it's Nikon's premier entry-level D-SLR which is exactly what I need. It's supposedly an easy tranistion from point and shoot to SLR and I must say it's exactly that. You have to discipline yourself to change settings often for the best shot and stay away from the AUTO modes (because essentially you are wasting your money if you keep it in AUTO). I'm pleased with this camera but know I'll outgrow it before too long, there are already some features I want that it doesn't offer like more auto focus point and a bracketing tool. But I think for at least the next few months this camera will suffice. Maybe I'll get around to selling my magic cards to finance my next camera.

So far it's been too damn hot out to go take any pictures and no one wants to be my model. So, I've taken a lot of pictures of Kitty. She's a camera whore for sure. Also, I've taken many pictures of my hand and foot and other dumb stuff getting a feel for the auto focus and aperture settings; just getting a feel for the ol' girl. It's a really nice camera. Jason went a bit farther than me and dropped a couple G's on the Nikon D300: Nikon's highest rated camera with the DX sensor. Let me tell you, it's intense. First of all it's a freaking beast. Weighing in at like 2.5 lbs. with the lens on. And secondly it's all manual, basically. Jason got a DVD with it that's so jam packed with instructions that I'd be so intimidated, I'd just send it all back. But, Jason is starting off at a different level than me because he shot with a Film SLR for years and knows the technical aspect of it, just has to learn the Digital. I think after a few months, maybe a year I'll be comfortable moving up to a machine that in-depth.

So, naturally, I get that feeling that I want to be a photographer but have no idea where to start. I need a mentor more than anything, but who will mentor me, for free at least? My friend's dad was a professional photographer for years, but I think he's out of the biz now. Do I contact local photographers? I just don't know, all I know is that I need to get out there and take some pictures.

I got rid of that precious iPhone. I decided that since I wasn't getting the new 3G iPhone that I didn't want to rock the old iPhone like some sort of loser. The iPhone is something of a status symbol, and I feel like if you don't keep up with the trend you just look like a D-Bag. The one reason I even got one in the first place was so I could be an elitist with my little device and have something no one could have unless they wanted to spend the money for the toy. Now that the BETTER one is $199, I just felt like I'd look like a dumbass toting around my $600, obsolete iPhone that can't even do everything the one that costs two-thirds less. So last month I "upgraded" my phone, as AT&T likes to put it, to the Palm Centro. You know the phone, it's all over the TV. I got it for $50 after my upgrade discounts and rebates, plus my plan changed from an iPhone account to an unlimited plan for, get this, $40 cheaper a month.

I think I got the deal. I don't drop calls and I'm not bleeding cash out of my ass every month for a phone that drops calls and freezes up like Window 4.1.

This is a lot of work...

So I'm going to start an LLC. I've purchased books and read online and now I'm ready to start writing a business plan to propose to future members. I've done some networking and think I've made some really decent contacts.

The downside is that whoever is in on this from the beginning is going to be knee deep in work that they probably have no idea what to do, so I've got some ideas for experience to go along with the novices, like me. I've got a boat load of ideas going and I think that I can impress when I'm in the room with prospective investors.

We'll see how it goes. The first time in my life I fear failure.....

....and it's weird.

They Say the Devil's Water, It Ain't so Sweet...

I haven't posted since 4.20.08, so it stands to reason that some of you probably think that I was so distraught over the Columbine Shooting Anniversary that I just couldn't get out of bed long enough to blog about my life. Or perhaps on that day when I got my subway the Sandwich Artist said to me "Happy Holiday," and I fell into a deep depression that my generation remembers to toke up all day long on Four-Twenty rather that remember the Trench Coat Mafia. These are two very good assumptions as to why I haven't posted, but in reality I've just not had anything good to say.

I could talk about my short-lived season at Cedar Point, but I won't because it's horse shit and is just another reminder that this string of bad luck in my life has really no end in sight. I left that place with a bad taste in my mouth in 2004 knowing that I should never go back. What's the saying: "Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice, shame on me?" What about fuck me 282344 times? Is that still me?

I could talk about my vindication to that experience, but that would mean I'd have to talk about the situation itself: Fuck that.

I could talk about this endless battle against cancer and how it's finally taken it's toll on me physically, emotionally, and mentally. How a year ago I was the driving force, not needing a support system, riding on my own hot air and ego high into the upper atmosphere. Now, sometimes I just with it would end... one way or another. All of the lessons I thought I was supposed to be learning(perseverance, empathy, sympathy, leadership, ect) are now in backwards mode and I see myself turning back into a selfish child about everything. I can remember a cold day in Bloomington during my very first finals week when my car was broken into and my passenger side window was broken. I had to skip a day of finals to talk to my insurance and make arrangements with a local shop for the next day. I had to drop my car off the night before, so Emily drove me to to work that night. I had been waiting for her to show up to my apartment after her class ended, and when she pulled up she got out of her car meeting me with a big hug at the bottom of the steps to my apartment complex. She said to me, "Sometimes bad things happen to good people." I guess I just have to get over all of the bullshit "Everything happens for a reason" rhetoric and just accept that this cancer is as random as my window getting broken that day. I've spent too much time trying to rationalize and find meaning to all of this.

I could talk about my Trip to Indianapolis and Bloomington, but I feel like people get tired of hearing how I love going back there. I drove by the park where I'd sit down and read books; I drove by the campus I was 9 credits from transferring to; I drove by the comedy club where I spent a few of the best Monday nights of my life; I briefly saw the greatest people I'll ever meet; I stayed with the most amazing person I'll ever know; I ate food at the Olive Garden that was made wrong, and I hate that I can't forget how the Olive Garden should be; and I remembered what it was like to be me.

Winston Churchill said something to the effect "When you think you are at the end of your rope, tie and knot and hang on." I just didn't know that your rope could grow and that you could keep tying more knots. Maybe I keep underestimating how long my rope can get.

Rent/Netflix/Buy An Unfinished Life, it's a good one.

My Apologies ...

I haven't posted in a really long time. I'm back in a place with no wifi and I'm actually staying relatively busy to trips to Panera Bread haven't come up as frequently as I would like.

Another reason I haven't posted is because, besides work, nothing has really happened. Well, I shouldn't say that - things have happened, but nothing I can post in a public forum like this. Ya see, I could talk about my job but I signed a contract saying that I wouldn't blog about it. Mostly, I agreed to not post figures and guest counts and such because of insider trading laws, but better to be safe then sorry.

Maybe I'll dream up something enlightening and fantastic sometime this week.....

.... stay tuned.

The iPhone in 1384 Words

My mom calls me up yesterday and asked me to write down a few things about the iPhone and email it to her friend. Apparently, my mother works with a girl that takes classes at Akron and was assigned to write a paper about the iPhone. "No one I know has an iPhone, they are like $500. Who pays that much for a cell phone?!?" Well...as my story goes...I paid over 4x that much for a cell phone. Her paper is supposed to be 750 words; I gave her 1384. I read the email to my mother and she thought it was Hysterical, so I give it to you.

Disclaimer: I threw this down as an email in about 30 minutes. It's riddled with typos and grammatical errors. I don't want to hear about it.

So you'd like to know about the iPhone, eh? Well I'm sure my mother has told you a few tidbits about it; How one day I'll cradle it like a baby and the next I'm throwing it at a wall. That pretty much describes my feeling about Time Magazine's "Invention of the Year: 2007." However, I'm going to tell you a tale of a boy and his longing for the device that will not only change cell phones... but change the way I live my life...

"iPerbole- Noun- The hype surrounding any product Apple unveils." -Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=iperbole)

January 2007 marks a special time in each geek's life, as it was the official keynote of Steve Jobs showing the iPhone and its functionality, not to mention it's release date. After I saw the conference on www.apple.com via my MacBook I took a picture with my Sprint Phone of my Apple logo light. Quickly setting it as my backround on my phone, I wanted the iPhone.

As months go by the novelty wore off and I grew tired of the whole crazy. Around Easter I called up Sprint, my service provider since 2001, and struck a deal with them for a Blackberry. I had a great plan with Sprint, over the years my plan grew to 1000 anytime minutes, free nights and weekends, free SMS/MMS messages and free wireless web for only $50/month. Life was good. However, the Blackberry was a complete let down. The Blackberry network didn't work half of the time, the web browswer wasn't that great, and the phone was too big to comfortably fit in my pocket. In the beginning of June I abandoned the Blackberry and spent full price on a new, basic flip phone. I went back to Sanyo because I loved their design and layout.

The month of June flew by and I loved my basic phone, I didn't need a blackberry, treo, or even the precious iPhone that was close to arrival at an Apple store near you. By this time I had spent $450 on two phones in the span of two and a half months.

June 29th came and went and the headlines went crazy. "iPhone released!!" I was in Chicago went it came out. My friends and I were on a much needed Vacation and were in town for The Taste of Chicago, the worlds largest food festival. As I always do when I'm in the Windy City, I stepped into the Apple Store. I'm an Apple fanatic. I have a MacBook and pay top dollar for the Applications Apple is known for.

This was June 30th and, of course, they were sold out of the iPhone. Who cares. I was there just to window shop. Well they had 3 tables of display models of the iPhone, probably 12 on each table. I waited in line for 30 minutes jjust to look at one! I have to admit that I didn't believe in love at first sight until I held this little device in my hand.

WIFI, text chats, full web browser, email, weather, maps, youtube........ it had it all!!!!! The store models were connected to the wireless network so everything was lightning fast!! I was in awe. The rest of the night it was all I could think about. I was at Dave and Buster's playing video games and all I could think about was the iPhone. I was in my room at The Drake, the most luxurious hotel downtown, and fantasized about the world class device. I probably dreamt about it that night.....

In the morning I ate breakfast at Starbucks. I saw a man walk by with iPhone in hand. "I have to have it!" I said aloud. I made my friends walk to Michigan Ave. with me to go back into the Apple store. I walked in and walked right to the register. There were little boxes on the counter behind the cashier and I asked "is that the 8GB iPhone?"

"Yes it is. We JUST got a new shipment in 30 minutes ago." the Cashier said. Mind you...this was SUNDAY. An emergency shipment of iPhones came in on a SUNDAY MORNING.....

"I'll take one." I said as I slapped my Visa on the counter. I'm the coolest person I know at this point.....

I take it out of it's box and wear it on my hip all day long. It's not activated but I wanted everyone in Chicago to know that I was cooler than them. $599 plus $50 in taxes.

When I get back to Ohio I activated it after I paid a $250 fee for bad credit. (so what's that? $900 so far..for a phone?) I went for the basic plan .....400 minutes a month.

In Akron the phone worked fine. All of the features were stellar. I worked in Sandusky for the summer and was talking to a friend the entire drive from Akron to Sandusky. I dropped the call 6 times. I should have known then.

I receive my last bill from sprint and it's $400. My last statement PLUS my end of contract fee.

I now own a $1300 iPhone. oh know... it doesn't stop there!

My first month's bill was soemthing like $200. the next month $400. The month after that $300(now we're up to $2200 for the first three months). What the hell is going on? I'm going over my minutes. I up my plan. Now I pay $130 a month now for more minutes a month...

iPhone= iMoney Pit

The Nitty Gritty....

I was a God to those around me. At restaurants I would set the phone down on the table and complete strangers would sit down and talk to me about it. I'm not joking. Everyone wanted to touch it and ask me about it. I lied and told them I loved it.... no one wants to hear the bad news about the new thing...

In reality it was a horrible phone to begin with. I Blamed it on ATT. More bars in more places, my ass. I couldn't hear it ring because I was used to over powering stereo speakers of my Sanyo Multi media phone. I couldn't feel it vibrate unless I was holding it in my hand. I couldn't customize anything .... all of the ringers were dumb and not for my generation...... and to add insult to injury I couldn't even use it in my apartment in Sandusky, the cinderblock walls wouldn't allow the weak signal to come through. What year is it, 1999? My old Nokia in high school had that problem.....not this world class cell phone!

Apple, however, listens to it's customers. Through software updates they've fixed most of the problems we all had with it. I still drop calls but I hope that the 3G update that coming this year will fix all of that. I never take my laptop places anymore because I use my phone for the internet, writing notes, and Email. Most people who complain about the iPhone are just nit picking. But they are justified. when you spend $2200 on somehting you want it to work perfectly. Looking back, it wasn't the iPhone that was horrible, it was the rest of the world. No one was ready for it. There weren't any accessories or programs for it. Now, I can't turn my head without seeing a new add on.

I'll never be able to go back to a regular phone again. the iPHone has made my life simpler and I can do EVERYTHING from one, handheld device. The best feature about the iPhone is the Google maps. Now, the iPhone can track your location and give you pinpoint directions from your current location to wherever you want. Free GPS.

this was lengthy and long winded, but I needed to take you through my journey that is the iPhone. You needed to know how I went from the coolest person in the world to the biggest idiot in the universe-and back again. Sure I drop calls and the damn thing freezes up like an IBM from the 80s, but it's streamlined my life and when people flip out their blackberries and treos I can still throw my phone out and watch everyone's jaws drop. Nothing compares to it.

A Good Book

The other day I was at Border's perusing the gambling section in search of another Texas Hold 'em strategy book. They all say the same thing, but it's interesting to read different perspectives of the game. This isn't the point, though. What I'm trying to say is that I forwent the urge to buy another overpriced book on things I've already read about and grabbed a seemingly familiar non-fiction thriller, 21- Bringing Down the House.

This is the story of the MIT Blackjack Team that took Las Vegas, and other casinos in North America, for millions in the 1990's. Fantastic book. To be taken to a world where a geeky asian kid from MIT could play the part of a High Roller in Vegas, go to parties with A-List celebrities, and come out $5 million on top for a four year run is surreal. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has a day or two to kill. the book runs about 265 pages and can be finished in an afternoon or two. It's an easy read that sucks you in, so 100 pages fly by without even noticing.

I bought the newer version, which I also recommend. I compared books and the stories are the same so don't fret if you've already read the older version. Keep your panties on. The only difference is, is that the new book's cover has the movie art on the front(since the movie 21 is coming out, a movie based on this book) and there is a Q&A with Jeff Wu, the MIT team member that the book is based on, that was taken last year. It rounds the book out and answers the questions you ask yourself during the story. Since the story was written in 2001, the author and Jeff had been asked dozens of popular questions that they answer in this section.

But all of this is not the point though, god dammit.

The point is, is that this book is also taught in math and ethics classes all over the world. The story gives a general outline of how to count cards, but Jeff's essay "How to count cards and beat Vegas" obviously gets into it a bit more. The essay is another little extra the book offers in the back. Since it's a text book of sorts it comes complete with discussion questions, too.

I read the discussion questions and my usual feeling of accomplishment from finishing a book was over shadowed by sheer disappointment. I need to get back into school, even if it's just one class at a time. As I read the questions I could see one thousand words, typed and double spaced in front of me on a Microsoft Word template. I was so proud of myself in college. I'd even hang my A papers on my fridge. No one ever came over, but I never had A papers to hang on the fridge in High School. I'd just stare at them as I took a shit because my bathroom was right across the way from my fridge.

I think I'm going to take an online creative writing course this summer and forget working a second job while I'm at Cedar Point. Since Jason isn't going back to Cedar Point I'll have plenty of time to kill by myself, why not spend it doing something productive?

My bad....

I've been bad and haven't blogged lately. That's really because nothing is going on. I've spent the last 9 days doing the Chemo thing and haven't been up to much. Before that I placed in two poker tournaments and won $160 total, so that's cool. I'm getting better at it and have moved out of the red for the year. Hopefully, I'll stay out of the red.

Do I have a gambling problem?
No. If anything, I have a morphine problem. I have a horrible problem of becoming obsessive about things I want to learn more of. I have a love problem. I health problems. I have a boredom problem. I have a growing obsession with IVs and needles, THAT'S problem. I have a weight problem. I have a nutrition problem. I have a hair problem. I have a sleeping problem. I have a problem with people who can't look me in the eyes when they talk to me; It's creepy. I have a problem with arrogant, prick assholes.... I have 99 problems.... but gambling ain't one.

Texas Hold'em is something I picked up in the last few month I was in Bloomington. Mostly, just to cure the boredom of the summer nights with my friends Zach, Lambert, Steve and Katie. I played for fun just to have something to do. I wasn't very competitive because I thought personal circumstances would change in my life that would not really allow gambling.

After that fell to the way side, I got a little more into it. My friends thought they were going to start a card room in Bloomington and wanted me to be a dealer and some sort of manager. So, I started taking it a little more seriously. They're business plan fell apart, something about the investors pulling out, and I was stuck with my hands on my ass and a curiosity for the sport.

Then life happened and whirled me back to Ohio.

Fast Forward 8 months
I'm all done with Cedar Point and bored as hell. I start poking my nose around and my mom tells me that people play at the Upper Deck, a bar in Akron, on monday nights. I check it out. Just my luck, its a free league that plays for points and is just a bunch of people looking to have fun. I played in their league on Sundays and Mondays for a few months.

Just like anything in my life, as I get better I have an undying obsession that starts. I start reading blogs, journals, books, websites, everything. I rent DVDs. It's ridiculous, really. I've actually known how someone will play just based on what books they read and who their favorite pro is.

Now, I've found groups online that play for money. I use the Meetup Website to find groups and go. Lately, I've been cleaning up. I walked into a warehouse and took 2nd place out of 22 players. As the new guy. I know everyone's worried about this and I'm posting this blog just to say "Don't worry." I'm in control. And don't worry about the unsavory individuals I meet along the way. For the most part all of these guys are real sweethearts.

It's just good exercise for my brain, not to mention walking into a place that you know absolutely no one and coming out with a couple of friends is a cool thing too. But, that's never really been much of a problem. I just wish I could teach it. I'd be a millionaire.

It's cool, I'm bringing it back

A few days ago I was trying to sleep, and through all of the thoughts that wander in my head before I fall asleep I was full of confusion. Confusion isn't the right word, but close. I had started putting pen to paper about the last year of my life but couldn't quite figure out the hook. I mean, as interesting as my life has been and a major topic of interest amongst those close to me, a timeline of what's happened would be as interesting as reading a grocery list.Interesting isn't the right word, but close. I'm smart, right? I can tell stories, right? Writing a book should be easy enough. whatever.

Putting words on a screen is easy enough. I can type all day; that's not the problem. The problem is when I read what I've written. I ask myself questions "is this something I wouldn't be able to put down?" or "Is this enticing enough? Should I livin' it up?" Well, if you know me then you know that I need very little spice to my story.Spice isn't the right word, but close. It's spicy enough. What I need is a hook. What I need is a surprise ending, when this fucked up story hasn't even ended yet.Fucked up is the right word. Exactly. Well I've come up with it and if I can pull it off it should be quite the funny, sarcastic tear jerker. Just like the author. But, I'm not going to tell you. I'm not looking to ruin it all for you. Don't even ask to be a proofreader, I've got people picked out.

NEW FEATURE!
I've got a fun new feature added to my website. If you haven't already noticed there is a "call me" button on my sidebar. "What does it do, TJ???" is what you are thinking. I know. Well, by clicking on it and putting your name and number into the text boxes you'll, surprisingly, call me. What will happen is Grand Central will call your phone, you'll answer, then it will call my voicemail from your phone. "What the fuck is the point? Why wouldn't I just call you from my own goddamn phone?" Is now pacing through your mind. Pacing isn't the right word, but close. Well, with this fantastic service I can record voice messages and post them to my blog. This will allow my readers to ask me anything they like, I'll post it, and then answer it in a blog entry. I'll answer anything and try to get to as many questions as possible.Anything isn't the right word, but close.

Hipsters- The Hippies of Generation Y

After asking a friend from High School about his brother, this is the conversation that played out:

TJ: Ohh.. so he turned into a dirty hippy??
Neil: haha sort of....more like a dirty hipster...or scenester... if you know the type.
TJ: Hipster...our generation's hippy. I might blog about my annoyance of hipsters tonight.
Neil: Don't like belly shirts on guy? or tight pants? velcro shoes?
TJ: Oh I know the type. In Bloomington I could throw a rock and it'd bounce off of 16 hipsters.
Neil: HA! You should have thrown soap...

Now, I regret it too.

Remember when we didn't have cell phones and we just remembered everyone's number by heart? Because of this, it was impossible to entirely cut off communication with someone. I mean, If you HAD to(or got too drunk to have better judgement) you could call the other person.

Now, I have no numbers, emails, or AIM screen names committed to memory. And with a simple click of my scroll pad I can delete you from my address book and out of my life. Thus, putting all of the responsibility on you to contact me. If I died tomorrow in a car crash there'd be no way for my family to send you a funeral notice.

Maybe it's better that way.

A Quick Laugh...

This Story should be humorous to any server. Please read and enjoy.

It's obvious what happened. We used to do this on Aloha! all the time at Johnny Rockets. The deal is, is that you ring up a zero balance item and type whatever you want in the special instructions. Ideally, all that happens is a "text message" of sorts prints up for the cooks. Luckily for us, servers could delete zero balance items off the checks, and we all did before the check went out to the table. I can't even tell you the message that I sent to Sammy. Straight to hell....

Whatta dumb chud for not deleting it.

A New Look

A quick note about the new look:

I took out the blogger NavBar and added a title picture. It's 4:21am and I can't sleep....

I took the picture of a chain fence on one of the side street across the street from Assembly Hall in Bloomington. This prompts me to say that it is my intention not to use random google images on my posts from now on. Instead, I am going to decorate my posts with Pictures I've taken, whether they fit the post or not. We'll see how that works...

Now... get to bed!

Cunt #7

How many times have you sat in front of your computer with something to say, but no way to get it out? There are so many ideas going through your mind at once that there is no way to reach up and grab one to go with. I guess you just start typing a big, incoherent mess.... enjoy.

I fucking hate my insurance company. It's been a year of getting the same medicine and now, for some reason, I have to get it through the mail. But, they don't tell you this until you try to get it at your regular pharmacy. And they tell you by telling the Pharmacy Tech to charge you a $600 co-pay. THEN, you spend the rest of the afternoon being bounced around 800 numbers trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

By the time you figure it out and get a plan, it's 4:30pm on a Friday, your doctor's office is closed but their answering service answers the call. All you need is to talk to your Doctor and tell her to call a 800 number and authorize the override of this mail order policy so you can get your medicine by the time the pharmacy closes. The answering service says "oh, well I can't page her for THAT. That's not a good enough reason."

"NOT a good REASON?!" you say. "This medicine rebuilds my blood and immune system. During flu season I'd say this is a pretty good reason!"

"It's not an emergency." Operator #7 replies.

"So on Sunday when I have flu symptoms and no white blood cells to fight it, Will that be a good enough reason?" You start becoming irate. "Look, this is the only way I can get my medicine. I just need my Doctor to call this number!"

"I'm sorry." Whore number 7 says.

You and #7, you only know her number because this bitch wouldn't give you her name, and claimed to have no supervisor, go round and round for about five more minutes until you end the call with:

"So what you are telling me is that on Monday I have to go to my Doctor and tell her that I haven't taken my injections because operator #7 is a fucking cunt?!"

Dial tone.....

Let me explain myself. I've never actually called a person/woman a cunt before and meant it. But I had been on the phone for 3 hours, wasting an entire afternoon, with my insurance company and had lost all patience. Not to mention that this was my ONLY way of getting my medication. I should be sorry for ruining that lady's day, but I could be in serious trouble if I get sick. I just can't wait until I go to the office on Monday and tell Miss D(Head Nurse) about this. She is one scary old woman and I predict she's going to go bat shit crazy.

This led me to a "Jason Angus" style outburst: I got in my car and left town. I figured that I was cold, so I'd better head south. I get about 50 miles into the trip and have an urge to gamble. I stopped at a rest stop, stared at a map for a few minutes, and changed my course for West Virginia. My new destination was Mountaineer. A casino in West Virginia.

I passed through some really town with HUGE steel mills. I wish it were light outside so I could have had a better look, I love looking at huge factories and compounds. After a few hours of driving back roads I get there.

I forgot it was Friday night and the place is packed. I grabbed $400 out of my account, not knowing what I'll need. But I ended up not gambling at all. I was too tired to concentrate. I took a self tour of the place and made a mental note of it all. I'll be back some other time on a week day.

So pissed... I could have hit a wall if I lacked better judgement.